Santa Cruz Ca. Nocal...My new adventure...The ocean and surfing...

so, last time I left on a bittersweet note.im NOT going to do that this time......despite it being very cathartic(my word of the day-thanks J.C.) for me, it was good to get it out, but now Im going to talk about something thats very passionate(because I just ooze passion) to me at this particular moment.........The Ocean ie. Santa Cruz, surfing, the sand, the sounds, the water....ive ALWAYS loved the ocean...ever since I was a little tike, there was just something about it...its hard to pinpoint when exactly, but i sincerely-from the bottom of my heart LOVE the ocean!!! One of the 1st memories I do have of wanting to surf however is from the Movie "North Shore"...I believe it came out in the late 80's and me and my dad would watch that movie all the time(my dad still to do this day has a sick infatuation of Hawaii, and keeps saying hes moving there, when he retires-we'll see-my moms to white to move to Hawaii) well, i fell in love with the surfing part, and wanted to try/do it since that time. after a couple of times "boogyboarding in my teens/early 20's I still had never tried surfing, for whatever reason. well, going back to the hospital stay...this was another thing I had decided to do.(remember im living life the way I want to live it now!!!!)....I did try it a couple of times, before Feb 12th 2008 in Santa Cruz Ca, but to be completely honest I could barely get on the fucking board........Reason=FAT, PIGGY, DISGUSTING, JENNY CRAIGISH...I was a mess!!! I'm still by no means, skinny(or like a little vietnamese friend I have-we'll call him "packer"-no D.C hes not 10) but im going to get there, and NOW since FEB 12th, I can get on the board and yes I can shred now!!!..with that said im NO Kelly Slater or Rick Cane, but its VERY cathartic for me to just be in that ocean, theres is NO feeling like it.....!!! I can have a million things on my mind right before I get into the city limits and as soon as I get in that ocean..they all go away!!!! I dont think about diabetes, I dont think about who im going to start this week because Calvin Johnson is on Bye, I dont think what bill I have to pay at the end of the week.........All I think about is how fucking cold this water is!!!! but that im in it(the ocean) and theres NOT a place in the world Id rather be......well theres ONE, but Ill leave that open to interpertation...and when you get up on that wave and I now can ride it for about 30-secs-a minute...its soooooo gratifying, ive made some goals since FEB 12th , and thats once Ive put a check next to...!!!! Santa Cruz- I fell in love with this town the 1st time, i ever stepped in it.....I have a routine....I get there the same hotel...I step put of the car, I smell the ocean air...I get my room, I leave my baggage in the room(literally and figuratively)I take a walk down to steamers, set my feet in the ocean, and its on from there..I then walk back towards the room, i stop by the same restaurant for a cocktail-usually a newcastle or a bacardi and diet coke, strike up a convo with a local, finish my drink, walk right across the street to the liquor store, get my Kona 6 pack...stop by the taco stand...get my taco and burrito...get to the room, turn on espn, eat my food, drink my Kona...chill...then on to downtown for the Santa Cruz nightlife which usually goes like this, ...stop by a local pub, get a buzz on.....go to PIZZA MY HEART, have a slice, then its on the shoreline poker room, where I find myself either winning the trip back(which costs ALOT these days with gas prices) or losing enough to where it discourages me from going to the O'neill surf shop the next afternoon and spending some cash......Then, its back to the room for a nightcap, in which either I get good sleep, or none at all......because this would mean NOTHING without getting in that OCEAN, at sunrise....remember thats why I GO!!!!! if this interests you ,you can go to www.joshssantacruztripeveryoneshouldexpierenceit.com until next time......be good.....

a couple of good ocean/surfing quotes

" Ill Ride the wave where it takes me"-Pearl Jam-"Release"-"Ten"


"No matter how BIG you ever become...always remember the OCEAN will always be BIGGER" "Poetic Justice".........yes ive watched the film.....



I have a tale to tell
Sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well
I was not ready for the fall
Too blind to see the writing on the wall


Madonna-"Live to Tell"-The Immaculate Collection

so, this, next to "Crazy for You" is my favorite Madonna song!! I was just listening to it, and thought "you know what", this a damn good lyric. It does remind me of the previous post, but this song reminds me of when Madonna was (to use 80's lingo) FRESH. She was innocent at a time, and this was that time, she did this song for her then husbands movie(Sean Penn-and the movie was At Close Range ) Also, I lived to tell a different story......im WRITING again!!! and its so very endearing to me...not only am I writing my thoughts and feelings on this blog, but ive got a creative kick again, and have continued "20 Dollar bill" hopefully a film that you will all see in theaters 2011............its a good story ive created with some new dialogue that i HOPE will be good enough to at least get looked at......!!!!

2008-a Retrospect(my year of Trials and Tribulations-Debauchery and Sadness) Part 3...SPOILER ALERT!!!!

so here it is....what some have been waiting for(ive received some feedback and people are curious/interested).....what im about to write is by far and away the hardest thing Ive went through (still going through) in my 32 years of existence...(besides the ICU visit and my grandmothers death in 2001).....I know what im getting myself into after people read this...Whether this post will be front page on my fantasy football board or on a projector at my bachelor party as the stripper rides me....im strong enough to take it.....Now I KNOW I will be more than ridiculed for it for years to come whether its In RENO for March Madness, a camping weekend with the boys of 94' at high camp, or just a saturday night poker game....Ill take it...to put it short I NO LONGER GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!!!!(excuse my Latin) Also, im going to warn you, this is a side that probably 99.9% of you have NEVER seen or heard of me......and when I see you in person, thats not going to change....I hold it for the select few. Congratulations im broken......

so, when I was in the hospital, in the intensive care unit, with me and like 7 "bluehairs" you have nothing else to do but read and think and think and think and finally reflect on your life(or I could have watched Telemundo-but that was out of the cards). well after thinking of family, friends, and how good I have it, I always was coming back to the same person( we'll call her "Haydenwall") ....This is someone who about a year eariler I was seeing very briefly( a couple of month-tops)...she was genuine, beautiful, a perfect match for me. Well things didnt work out, she was going through some things I simply wasnt down for at that point in my life, and things quickly evaporated. Even though I knew i might possibly be throwing away something special it just didnt work at the time. So for the year or so we had ZERO communication, and every once in awhile I thought about WHAT IF?? Well, these feelings/thoughts were intensified starting in the hospital and continued until April when I decided to contact her. I had no idea whatsoever of what was going on in her life....I didnt care...All I knew was, "hey you got this new lease on life, its time to start doing what you want to do" so, after many different times of putting her number in my phone but not pressing the send button, I did it....I sent her a text message....wanna know what it said??? "hi"...thats it..... fucking "Hi"....now im a man of many words....I have to chuckle, clearly I could have had something else in my arsenal besides "Hi"....but No...it was "hi"....to my amazement she replied with a "hi"......this was only the beginning of the most treacherous,glamourous, angst ridden, rollercoaster ride anyone could ever imagine going on. from that night on, it picked up right where it left off. Now to Haydenwalls credit, she told me about her current situation...so as soon as I was told that, I knew I was playing with fire...well, she said friends and that it, I was like cool, I can do that. I just wanted her in my life. well, the next day as I kept waiting for that next text or that next email with much vigor(basically I couldnt wait for each and every one) she told me..."you know what, these feelings for you came back instantly for me too" well for the next couple of weeks we went back and forth with every day me falling in love with her more and more, it was like we finished each other sentences, it was my 1st time i have ever expierenced anything this intense. Haydenwall said all the right things, this was it...only one roadblock(her situation)I was getting antsy....I mean when you have this much love for someone you want them by your side and youll walk through the fire to have it....But it was getting to me, Haydenwall wanted to meet, I told her no, if we were going to do this I wanted to do it right...I wouldnt meet her until the day she was 110% mine/knew what she wanted. Well, one night I had finally had enough, I couldnt do it to myself anymore, I was going crazy inside...It wasnt fair to me, her or her situation. I told her look you HAVE to make a decision. me or the situation...(I dont wanna speak of the situation but im sure all of you can piece together the puzzle)....it was hard for her I know this, i wouldnt wanna make that hard of a decision,(writing that right there, just made me realize it should have been an easy decision-if the words that came out of her mouth were true) well Haydenwall decided that she couldnt leave her situation. So that was it, there was nothing an ol 49er fan like me could do. I had to let it go( even though EVERY single ounce of my being, my soul wanted to fight for Haydenwall....I just had to let it go-yes even I have morals-except that one time in Mexico but that doesnt count!!!!! kidding.) well to my pleasure the very next day Haydenwall had a change of heart.....her love was just as strong(text message-"i should have realized it 3 weeks ago") so, she was going to leave her situation but she couldnt do it that weekend, she told me to wait, I knew something in the back of my head said this was probably no good but THIS IS IT -THIS IS THE ONE FOR YOU-ALL OF YOUR LONELY NIGHTS ARE FINALLY OVER..whats one more week???? at that point I realized this is something special....this is life altering, Haydenwall just earned her ticket in the Josh HOF...(its harder to get into that the baseball HOF-members include Pearl Jam-The San Francisco 49ers -Notre dame Fighting Irish football- Will Clark-Joe Montana-Jerry Rice-the aforementioned JFK-The Sopranos-Twin Peaks and Carrie Underwood ) so, the weekend passed and the week of HAYDENGATE starts....All week it goes perfect and on Wednesday she tells me she thinks shes going tell him that night, so, after all these feelings I have all this LOVE i cant wait to share with the only woman who has ever even close gave me these feelings ...I do what any male with a brain would do, I mosey on over to the jewelery store and buy the 1st ring I see that I can see on her finger, I didnt care about price...as I have said MANY times on the Blackjack table..."its only money- I still have my happiness"(usually after I lose a grand or somewhere in that vicinity)....I knew what I wanted and she was about to give me her soul and everything that comes with it, it was the least i could do. Well, we had made plans to go away for the weekend to my favorite place currently in the world Santa Cruz Ca.....OK NOW ALL YOU GUYS THAT ARE IN THE FPL-EYEMUFF IT- I called ahead of time( I go to the same hotel everytime I go and know the people that own the place, so I ask them for a small favor...) If im REALLY gonna DO THIS im doing it 100%....i hire a small quartet( this is actually humorous-yes shocking I do have a humorous side) there a barbershop type that sing songs, and I ask them if they can sing "our song"(im not going to tell you the song because that will forever be btwn me and her) and they say "we dont know it" well I say "can you learn it"? they say YES, and the plans are made....so, I have the hotel bluehair putting the rose petals on the beach at my spot(yes its corny, but I have a spot in Santa Cruz-where I go and think/meditate) i have the barbershop quartet ready to sing the song they didnt know and I have the gratuidous ring in my pocket all to be ready at 3:24 pm on saturday May 17th in SC CA....im only missing one thing and im 3 days away...I knew I was going to have to weather the storm.....So, after feeling REALLY FUCKING GOOD that Wednesday night i couldnt wait til that Thursday morning...well that 1st email that morning I was sooooo accustomed to......didnt come......there is not a more better time EVER than to say the saying "the wind just went out of my sails".......well after half the day was over..wanting to just go home, i decide to send an email just to make sure shes ok.....i had a feeling i was FUCKED but I just wanted to make sure she was ok......well, after no response I did get an email......from her mother....Josh, Haydenwall has to stop all communication with you...........talk about the worst feeling in the world.......thats worse than losing with your 4 of a kind on the final table to a royal flush in the WSOP......this was worse than ICU visit any thing anyone could ever throw at me, I have no faced the WORST feeling ever......I was hurt, disgusted, sick, felt like the biggest moron ever.how can I have let someone have this affect on me..????????? Josh, you dont do this.....well I did!!!! I made a fucking ass out of myself, and now you ALL KNOW why I havent been the same,,,its not because of the illness, its because I have LOST the single greatest love of my life, and more than likely will never recover from it.....I think about her constantly and even though Haydenwall told me things she should have never told me, i still should have seen through it....i have an IQ of 130(its been tested John-"sopranos line")...im smarter than this!!! I promise to all of you...I will never make a mistake like this again......I will NEVER EVER leave my wingman(top gun line) i know better than that.....!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaarrrrrrragggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.......sorry tension breaker had to be done-"summer school".............ive only told a few people about this....so, please if your not one of them....dont ask.....this is my getting it out..its over and done with.....MORAL of the story......ive went through the 2 hardest things in my life in 6 months......this is how i deal with it......by my writing.......thank you for reading......JSP

"I know I screwed up....I will Love you forever"



Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

"The Power of Goodbye"-Madonna

This song for obvious reason means A Lot to me......ill let you interpret it......

2008-a Retrospect(my year of Trials and Tribulations-Debauchery and Sadness) Part 2...

On to the the biggest challenge of my life..................so after Tahoe, I wasn't feeling good( actually it was a ALOT longer than that, but im a man...unless im dying, I dont notice it) there was something wrong, but I didnt want to admit it...needless to say i was lackadaisical...listless, but I wanted a dog...so I decided to purchase my favorite kind, whether or not its a "females kind of dog" I didnt care....a Yorkshire terrier...so I look in the paper and find a nice breeder that said they had some puppies for $1000 american duckets, I decide its time, I give the guy a call, and im on my way there...this house was in the middle of FUCKING nowhere...I spent an hour just to find it, in Loomis Ca...i get there, and theres like 6 of them, well of course he lets them all out and one comes right up to me, crazy as me..i decide thats him, thats the one I want....well of course dipshit breeder was like "oh well that one is 1500 american duckets(hes a miniature ) "...so, im like what the fuck ever and give him the extra 500.......and on my way to my parents I went...with my new dog/son.....JFK....i just felt a sort of proudness on that drive from Middle of fucking Nowhere Loomis to Folsom...I finally had something to call my own...i couldnt wait to get him to the parents...it was truly gratifying....well, after him sleeping on my chest at 121 Burnham that night...we had a cool couple of weeks, even though he wasnt trained...(we'll get back to Jack/JFK)........Tangent.........JFK is a truly an inspiration for me (not the dog-the president) anyone who can run a country like he did (cuban missle crisis stands out-staring nuclear war eye to eye with the russians and not blinking) he simply didnt have enough time, his family pissed off too many people(dont fuck with the mafia!!!! thanks Papa Joe) can you imagine what he would have done with 4 more years???? the possibilites are endless.plus anyone who can run the most formidable country in the world and and be banging Marilyn Monroe at Frank Sinatras retreat in Palm Springs on a random weekend will always be held in a high regard in my humble opinion..........tangent ended......so, I have this new thing for a couple of weeks, and I was getting worse....I was sick, peeing more than a camel in the middle of the sahara, drinking more OJ and water than ever, so I decided to pack Jack up and head back to moms for some nurturing(why is it you always go back to moms when your sick????) well, the 1st couple of days I was there.....I wasnt good..i was still sick, couldnt swallow....still peeing every hour...Havent a good night of sleep since tahoe......not breathing right...I almost went in that night, MYSELF....but said naaaa I have to go to work tomorrow, well, that morning my mom said to me "lets go....your going"...even after some back and forth, I finally agreed( I knew there was something wrong).....(ive never told anyone this but I seriously will never be able to pay my mom back for this one act....she knew there was something wrong with her stubborn oldest son and took matters intr her own hands) so, I get to the emergency room,a nd they take me right in, and take my blood sugar....the nurse(cute-i was flirting) says "well your in trouble, i can only read blood sugar here up to 500...yours is past that....have you ever had an EKG????"....ok, now im by no means knowledgable in doctor speak or medical terminology if you will, but i do know what an EKG is......I think after she told me that I actually had a heart attack...so I go " are u fucking serious????" she laughs and I say " pardon my latin" ( i hate when people say "pardon my french"...its so fucking gay plus i hate those french faggots and me being Josh(unique) I just cant say the norm!!!!) so I get the EKG and they take me into a room and I lay down, well, there are a million thoughts going around in this compact little head of mine, and finally get some news....I have diabetes...and my blood sugar is actually 614....to put this in prespective....150 is considered high...i was 614!!!!!! he proceeds to tell me that i am very lucky I came in because i was hours from either diabetic coma...a stroke.....or a heart attack(thanks mom) and also informs me im gonna have to stay...in ICU this absolutely scares the piss out of me....ICU another medical term, im not well versed in but I know what it means............it means im FUCKED!!!!!!! All I keep thinking about is work and March madness...I might not be able to go to March madness..no fucking way....!!!! so, after getting in my bed and them sticking me what seemed like a million times I have alot of reflection,,,what the fuck am I doing with my life....???? I was a vibrant young little fellow who was always skinny...and "I just let myself go"...no more taco bell.no more OJ. no more GOLDSCHLAGER..no more icees at 7-11. no more candy canes....IM fucked!!!!!! I have never been dealt with this sort of hand, I usually get something modest like a King-10 offsuit not a fucking 7-2 offsuit.....i need to work with this, I have a little dog to think about....I was in for a week-(yea its like prison) and im never gonna come back!!! I decide......so far so good....ive lost 60...im more vibrant...i can do this....well, next comes the second hardest chapter of this year........to be continued






For a minute there
I lost myself, I lost myself
Phew, for a minute there
I lost myself, I lost myself

"Karma Police"- Radiohead-"Ok Computer"

so, I'll lead off by saying this is one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time...Theres just something about this song...its truly an excellent song...If you havent heard it you should...it reminds me of Tom Cunningham...in Nashville...at a local pub, discussing how great of an album Ok Computer is and realizing how much of an impact its had on people that like good music...Also reminds me of a little bit of driving to Santa Cruz, for the last like 3 times(ive went alone) i put this album on and let it play...between "Karma Police" and "Let Down" its truly a spectacualr sound....The quote well, you can more than likely put together the match between the post I just made and the quote....

2008-a Retrospect(my year of Trials and Tribulations-Debauchery and Sadness)

2008...The year I have had so far(These are thoughts I have shared with VERY few people...ive just decided to say "fuck it" and tell everyone(it might even be a film one day).....So, it actually started in all places, Lake Tahoe Nevada!!!(shocking I know) My cousin(he knows who he is-one of my top 5 human beings I know) was here for the Christmas/new year holiday and we decided to go to Lake Tahoe with my parents to their timeshare(near Heavenly- Honestly one of the most beautiful places in the world) Well of course for me, it was a gambling/drinking trip...As many of you know im a notorious gambler and like to press the action, so of course on the way up there, im betting my cousin whether or not the next car that passed us was going to be black or white...(thats how I roll)...So the festivities had begun...It was actually pretty exciting for me, I had not been in Tahoe for new years for a LONG time...Back in those days though, I was much more eager, if you get my drift....Anyways, so im in rare form as soon as we get to the 1st casino, I order a shot and a beer for me and my cousin before we go to the poker room, for the next 3 or so hours im playing poker and drinking ALOT!! My beer of choice that particular evening was NEWCASTLE(shockingly enough, down to #2 on my top 3 beer list behind my new beer of choice KONA LONGBOARD ) and my shot of choice was GOLDSCHLAGER. So, as the hours go by at the poker table, my chip stack which was actually doubled, (I think i bought in for $200) had progressively dwindled with the more shots of "Schlager" I drank. Well, after I believe losing mostly all of my money, my cousin tells me to get up, and we go to the bar, I drink more and more, I think I drank l;ike 12 or 13 shots of Goldschlager that night and about 5 or 6 Newcastles...As the night progressed, I lost like over $1000 playing Blackjack and slurring all my words as I talked to this guy who was next to me of Pakistani decent telling me how he was a "spinner" and gave me his Card for a club he worked at in San Francisco...At 1st I thought he was a homosexual, but then I realized he was a just a wannabe DJ from Karachi who thought he was of a certain stature because he had on a suit and had a "CARD"...I truly despise "spinners"...So my cousin gets me out of there, and we go back to the cabin. Well that night/morning was truly one of the worst vomiting expierences I have ever had!! Ive had ALOT..."22nd bday night" "vato night"(several of those nights which were basically just me trying to prove how "mexican" I am by drinking Patron and/or Cuervo and of course how can we forget the "Bacardi and Tangpowder night"...that still lives in Folsom lore....It was a truly a remarkable drinking accomplishment that I do NOT advise ANYONE to try...just Know that if you ever hear of the story, ITS 100% true...I know because I LIVED it....Anyways......back to Tahoe....So, Im having such a bad new years eve, I stay in the cabin all day, I dont even go out to dinner with everyone or even celebrate new years, NOT even more GAMBLING ???????? Yes I was that bad. But I did have a great political discussion with my Brother( a republican-who is a proponet for marijuana and KNOWS absolutely NOTHING about any issues, he just Knows how much taxes he thinks are taken from him) and practically everyone else there, who is against me( my dad was kinda of on my side, but thats just because hes a liberal, hes NOT as passionate as his loyal oldest son) trying to win there argument, but of course....I won!!!....As the hours passed I couldnt wait to go home, and watch football...so, the next morning, we pack up the lanche and head back home, on the way home, we stop by the casino, so my cousin can cash in my chips( he had "stole" some money from when I was up at the blackjack table) and I told him to put $200 on red for me, as he walked out of the casino, I won...and actually went home a winner for the weekend.....( I was actually a loser for what was about to happen. I actually blame GOLDSCHLAGER that brought me over the edge..) to be continued......


When I'm coming over Sunday
And I think about you all the time
I wonder what you're doin'
I wonder why you never cry

This is a quote from "Sunday Best"-Augustana- "All The Stars and Boulevards"

I 1st heard this song coming home from Shoreline after seeing The Counting Crows and Goo Goo Dolls and of course for the 1st time....Augustana. They were the opening the concert and I seriously fell in love with them from their 1st song on(They were the best part of the show-with the exception of "Holiday in Spain" which I literally went to the show for with a girl i was dating at the time-Alicia)...I got her on that song, so, I took her, we had a great time, and both looked at each other and said this BAND is good!!!! So, I bought the cd and we listened to it the whole way home the next day. This is when I hear which I was thought was the best song on the album-"Sunday Best"....I dont like ALOT of new music at all, but this is an exception!! "Sundays best makes me think of FOOTBALL, so its always a pleasure to listen to...As for the quote, well, it makes me think of going to a Niner game with a certain someone, even though, I cant...im still thinking about that someone, always, and for some reason its even more intense on Sundays, which really shouldnt be!!!

Day 1...A Little Taste

So, for awhile now, random people have said to me "Josh, you should write a blog"...Well here it is(For all you fortunate souls!!!).....Its Late, and Im tired(Niner game With Darren C. and Kona Longboards can take ALOT of someone) This will be just a little taste tonight....Tomorrow, I will be writing 2008-a Retrospect(my year of Trials and Tribulations-Debauchery and Sadness).....For ALOT of you, this will be the 1st time you hear/read this, so brace yourself, I promise it will be an all encompassing trip-a rollercoaster ride if you will....I dont disappoint...! As for now, I must go. Ive decided after all my blogs i will leave a song quote/a song memory(I Usually listen to my vast array of music when I write...so, be prepared)......so have fun, lean back, and enjoy the ride.....J

Waiting here for you, wanting to tell you
How I get my ends and my beginnings mixed up too
Just the way you do, I thought if I told you
You might want to stay for just another day or two

This is a quote from "High Life"- Counting Crows from "This Desert Life"
A quote right at this moment means so much to me. Lately, I just listen to music and they'll be a quote that just puts soooooo much into prospective. I havent listened to this song in quite awhile, but it will always remind me of Mark D. and our infamous Tahoe Trips....just me and him in his white for ranger(i believe) and the Counting Crows...(also his Red 4 runner) When all we had was 100 bucks and would go Tahoe at 12am and gamble til we lost it all....We havent done that recently, but it something me and him will ALWAYS be able to share....Mark......just 1 story.....The cougar hitting on me and you laughing your ass off....remember???? I love you bro!! As for the quote, Im full of regrets theres ONE that will more than likely be in my thoughts for the rest of my life, if I would have said certain things I felt at a certain time, I wouldnt be getting my "ends and beginnings" mixed up...there wouldnt have been an end!!!!