2008-a Retrospect(my year of Trials and Tribulations-Debauchery and Sadness) Part 3...SPOILER ALERT!!!!

so here it is....what some have been waiting for(ive received some feedback and people are curious/interested).....what im about to write is by far and away the hardest thing Ive went through (still going through) in my 32 years of existence...(besides the ICU visit and my grandmothers death in 2001).....I know what im getting myself into after people read this...Whether this post will be front page on my fantasy football board or on a projector at my bachelor party as the stripper rides me....im strong enough to take it.....Now I KNOW I will be more than ridiculed for it for years to come whether its In RENO for March Madness, a camping weekend with the boys of 94' at high camp, or just a saturday night poker game....Ill take it...to put it short I NO LONGER GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!!!!(excuse my Latin) Also, im going to warn you, this is a side that probably 99.9% of you have NEVER seen or heard of me......and when I see you in person, thats not going to change....I hold it for the select few. Congratulations im broken......

so, when I was in the hospital, in the intensive care unit, with me and like 7 "bluehairs" you have nothing else to do but read and think and think and think and finally reflect on your life(or I could have watched Telemundo-but that was out of the cards). well after thinking of family, friends, and how good I have it, I always was coming back to the same person( we'll call her "Haydenwall") ....This is someone who about a year eariler I was seeing very briefly( a couple of month-tops)...she was genuine, beautiful, a perfect match for me. Well things didnt work out, she was going through some things I simply wasnt down for at that point in my life, and things quickly evaporated. Even though I knew i might possibly be throwing away something special it just didnt work at the time. So for the year or so we had ZERO communication, and every once in awhile I thought about WHAT IF?? Well, these feelings/thoughts were intensified starting in the hospital and continued until April when I decided to contact her. I had no idea whatsoever of what was going on in her life....I didnt care...All I knew was, "hey you got this new lease on life, its time to start doing what you want to do" so, after many different times of putting her number in my phone but not pressing the send button, I did it....I sent her a text message....wanna know what it said??? "hi"...thats it..... fucking "Hi"....now im a man of many words....I have to chuckle, clearly I could have had something else in my arsenal besides "Hi"....but No...it was "hi"....to my amazement she replied with a "hi"......this was only the beginning of the most treacherous,glamourous, angst ridden, rollercoaster ride anyone could ever imagine going on. from that night on, it picked up right where it left off. Now to Haydenwalls credit, she told me about her current situation...so as soon as I was told that, I knew I was playing with fire...well, she said friends and that it, I was like cool, I can do that. I just wanted her in my life. well, the next day as I kept waiting for that next text or that next email with much vigor(basically I couldnt wait for each and every one) she told me..."you know what, these feelings for you came back instantly for me too" well for the next couple of weeks we went back and forth with every day me falling in love with her more and more, it was like we finished each other sentences, it was my 1st time i have ever expierenced anything this intense. Haydenwall said all the right things, this was it...only one roadblock(her situation)I was getting antsy....I mean when you have this much love for someone you want them by your side and youll walk through the fire to have it....But it was getting to me, Haydenwall wanted to meet, I told her no, if we were going to do this I wanted to do it right...I wouldnt meet her until the day she was 110% mine/knew what she wanted. Well, one night I had finally had enough, I couldnt do it to myself anymore, I was going crazy inside...It wasnt fair to me, her or her situation. I told her look you HAVE to make a decision. me or the situation...(I dont wanna speak of the situation but im sure all of you can piece together the puzzle)....it was hard for her I know this, i wouldnt wanna make that hard of a decision,(writing that right there, just made me realize it should have been an easy decision-if the words that came out of her mouth were true) well Haydenwall decided that she couldnt leave her situation. So that was it, there was nothing an ol 49er fan like me could do. I had to let it go( even though EVERY single ounce of my being, my soul wanted to fight for Haydenwall....I just had to let it go-yes even I have morals-except that one time in Mexico but that doesnt count!!!!! kidding.) well to my pleasure the very next day Haydenwall had a change of heart.....her love was just as strong(text message-"i should have realized it 3 weeks ago") so, she was going to leave her situation but she couldnt do it that weekend, she told me to wait, I knew something in the back of my head said this was probably no good but THIS IS IT -THIS IS THE ONE FOR YOU-ALL OF YOUR LONELY NIGHTS ARE FINALLY OVER..whats one more week???? at that point I realized this is something special....this is life altering, Haydenwall just earned her ticket in the Josh HOF...(its harder to get into that the baseball HOF-members include Pearl Jam-The San Francisco 49ers -Notre dame Fighting Irish football- Will Clark-Joe Montana-Jerry Rice-the aforementioned JFK-The Sopranos-Twin Peaks and Carrie Underwood ) so, the weekend passed and the week of HAYDENGATE starts....All week it goes perfect and on Wednesday she tells me she thinks shes going tell him that night, so, after all these feelings I have all this LOVE i cant wait to share with the only woman who has ever even close gave me these feelings ...I do what any male with a brain would do, I mosey on over to the jewelery store and buy the 1st ring I see that I can see on her finger, I didnt care about price...as I have said MANY times on the Blackjack table..."its only money- I still have my happiness"(usually after I lose a grand or somewhere in that vicinity)....I knew what I wanted and she was about to give me her soul and everything that comes with it, it was the least i could do. Well, we had made plans to go away for the weekend to my favorite place currently in the world Santa Cruz Ca.....OK NOW ALL YOU GUYS THAT ARE IN THE FPL-EYEMUFF IT- I called ahead of time( I go to the same hotel everytime I go and know the people that own the place, so I ask them for a small favor...) If im REALLY gonna DO THIS im doing it 100%....i hire a small quartet( this is actually humorous-yes shocking I do have a humorous side) there a barbershop type that sing songs, and I ask them if they can sing "our song"(im not going to tell you the song because that will forever be btwn me and her) and they say "we dont know it" well I say "can you learn it"? they say YES, and the plans are made....so, I have the hotel bluehair putting the rose petals on the beach at my spot(yes its corny, but I have a spot in Santa Cruz-where I go and think/meditate) i have the barbershop quartet ready to sing the song they didnt know and I have the gratuidous ring in my pocket all to be ready at 3:24 pm on saturday May 17th in SC CA....im only missing one thing and im 3 days away...I knew I was going to have to weather the storm.....So, after feeling REALLY FUCKING GOOD that Wednesday night i couldnt wait til that Thursday morning...well that 1st email that morning I was sooooo accustomed to......didnt come......there is not a more better time EVER than to say the saying "the wind just went out of my sails".......well after half the day was over..wanting to just go home, i decide to send an email just to make sure shes ok.....i had a feeling i was FUCKED but I just wanted to make sure she was ok......well, after no response I did get an email......from her mother....Josh, Haydenwall has to stop all communication with you...........talk about the worst feeling in the world.......thats worse than losing with your 4 of a kind on the final table to a royal flush in the WSOP......this was worse than ICU visit any thing anyone could ever throw at me, I have no faced the WORST feeling ever......I was hurt, disgusted, sick, felt like the biggest moron ever.how can I have let someone have this affect on me..????????? Josh, you dont do this.....well I did!!!! I made a fucking ass out of myself, and now you ALL KNOW why I havent been the same,,,its not because of the illness, its because I have LOST the single greatest love of my life, and more than likely will never recover from it.....I think about her constantly and even though Haydenwall told me things she should have never told me, i still should have seen through it....i have an IQ of 130(its been tested John-"sopranos line")...im smarter than this!!! I promise to all of you...I will never make a mistake like this again......I will NEVER EVER leave my wingman(top gun line) i know better than that.....!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaarrrrrrragggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.......sorry tension breaker had to be done-"summer school".............ive only told a few people about this....so, please if your not one of them....dont ask.....this is my getting it out..its over and done with.....MORAL of the story......ive went through the 2 hardest things in my life in 6 months......this is how i deal with it......by my writing.......thank you for reading......JSP

"I know I screwed up....I will Love you forever"



Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

"The Power of Goodbye"-Madonna

This song for obvious reason means A Lot to me......ill let you interpret it......